Blurred

Ever wonder what will you be like in the future?

I still remember the days that I was so proud of myself. Proud of my life, proud of my result, proud of everything I have. I used to be so happy. I feel like I can do anything I want and I will have a great future. I was so proud of myself that the ego in me is really strong. I dreamed of many things and I never thought I will not be able to do those things. I even dreamed of being really rich in the near future and living a luxurious life. I'm not being materialistic but if you are once poor, you will understand my feeling. Money is so important for people like us. Life has been really good to me, giving me everything I want. I know it's impossible but I would exchange anything to get back what belongs to me. I guess I have taken things for granted and this is the punishment for it. Yes I'm greedy. I'm not those type of person who have the greatest heart in the world. I'm selfish.

Until recently, I get so tired of everything. I no longer have the motivation to move forward. I don't do my best in tests and assignments. I just want to get rid of everything as soon as possible. I just don't have the passion anymore. Not just studies, it seems like I lost the passion to live. Sounds sad? Yes, it is. I no longer hope for a good CGPA, or a highly paid job. I just want everything to be at its simplest. Probably I have asked for too much in the past. I get stressed up too often. I keep telling people that I don't have time. That's because I spent too much time staring at the sky. I don't want to do anything. I'm avoiding myself to have contact with people. I'm now very lazy to talk. I gave up expressing myself because my thoughts are ridiculous. People won't understand and won't believe in me. I used  to be someone that is so harsh on myself trying to be the best.

Perhaps everything will change in a few months time. One of the reason I'm so into going SHU is because I needed a break and I still need a break. The only thing that hold me back is financial issue. SHU is definitely not necessary, that's why I still haven't decide whether I want to go. Is this really what I want? or is this just a way for me to run away from everything. I still hope I can spend some time alone in a place where no one knows me. That will help to clear my mind I think.

My parents will be so disappointed with me if they ever know what I'm thinking. I used to be their pride. I used to be the family's hope. I used to be the one they do not have to worry. I hope I can change. However, I don't see the reason to change. What I want is no longer achievable. What I need is no longer necessary. Will there be a second chance? I don't think so. This is all fate. Even I was given the chance to live once more, I guess the result will still be the same. Things are meant to be the happened the way they are meant to be. No matter how hard you try, it will still be the same. You can't change the god's decision. I know I'm being slightly too pessimistic but I have tried.


The girl who waited.