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Ever wonder what will you be like in the future?

I still remember the days that I was so proud of myself. Proud of my life, proud of my result, proud of everything I have. I used to be so happy. I feel like I can do anything I want and I will have a great future. I was so proud of myself that the ego in me is really strong. I dreamed of many things and I never thought I will not be able to do those things. I even dreamed of being really rich in the near future and living a luxurious life. I'm not being materialistic but if you are once poor, you will understand my feeling. Money is so important for people like us. Life has been really good to me, giving me everything I want. I know it's impossible but I would exchange anything to get back what belongs to me. I guess I have taken things for granted and this is the punishment for it. Yes I'm greedy. I'm not those type of person who have the greatest heart in the world. I'm selfish.

Until recently, I get so tired of everything. I no longer have the motivation to move forward. I don't do my best in tests and assignments. I just want to get rid of everything as soon as possible. I just don't have the passion anymore. Not just studies, it seems like I lost the passion to live. Sounds sad? Yes, it is. I no longer hope for a good CGPA, or a highly paid job. I just want everything to be at its simplest. Probably I have asked for too much in the past. I get stressed up too often. I keep telling people that I don't have time. That's because I spent too much time staring at the sky. I don't want to do anything. I'm avoiding myself to have contact with people. I'm now very lazy to talk. I gave up expressing myself because my thoughts are ridiculous. People won't understand and won't believe in me. I used  to be someone that is so harsh on myself trying to be the best.

Perhaps everything will change in a few months time. One of the reason I'm so into going SHU is because I needed a break and I still need a break. The only thing that hold me back is financial issue. SHU is definitely not necessary, that's why I still haven't decide whether I want to go. Is this really what I want? or is this just a way for me to run away from everything. I still hope I can spend some time alone in a place where no one knows me. That will help to clear my mind I think.

My parents will be so disappointed with me if they ever know what I'm thinking. I used to be their pride. I used to be the family's hope. I used to be the one they do not have to worry. I hope I can change. However, I don't see the reason to change. What I want is no longer achievable. What I need is no longer necessary. Will there be a second chance? I don't think so. This is all fate. Even I was given the chance to live once more, I guess the result will still be the same. Things are meant to be the happened the way they are meant to be. No matter how hard you try, it will still be the same. You can't change the god's decision. I know I'm being slightly too pessimistic but I have tried.


The girl who waited.

爱一个人却不能拥有，是很痛苦，
但，如果你能做到，
这才是真真正正的爱。

《让我找到你》

The story of my study life

If life is like economy, I guess it's the recession period of my life now. I wonder how long it will last. My life has hit it's bottom since the day my Advanced Diploma started. Many things that I consider unfortunate, happened to me.

 I don't know why but I'm feeling very restless. I just can't concentrate on my studies anymore. On the other side, I'm very happy that it's my last semester already. If not, I think I can't survive. I have nobody but myself to blame. How did I let myself fell into such a trap and  now unable to climb back up.

My result pretty much deteriorates like nobody's business. UPSR, PMR, SPM straight As. Diploma book prize winner.  So what? Look at the overall exam result for Advanced Diploma of mine now. I can only ask for a pass. On top of that, If you haven't experienced failure, try ACCA. This is what you will get. My very first time. I hope it's the last time.

I guess I'm now prepared to face more challenges in life. Time to grow up, Xiao Jinn! Way to go!

CNY

So instead of doing assignment, I'm here slacking again. Presentation is like...TOMORROW? Oh crap! I shouldn't be here. But let me finish this post first. Did I mention it's CNY now? I still can't accept the fact that I need to do my assignment, prepare my presentation and also mid term test next Monday. I swear P4 is killing me. Stress. I say this too often but I still have to say it. I really mean it. Anyway, it's the 4th of February today. ACCA result for December 2013 sitting is coming out on the 8th! which is like few more days to go. I bombard myself with the thought of failing but I guess I will never be prepared to fail. I will know in a few days time. CNY this year is similar to the previous years. My family spent 3 days in Seremban (My hometown, where I was born). Somehow, the atmosphere wasn't that good this year. It's like I'm used to the CNY celebration style of my family and I do go back to Seremban on weekends. As such, I don't have the oh-I-finally-get-to-meet-my-grandma-and-cousins feel. Since I meet them quite often. However, CNY is still different! You get to drink and gamble and most important of all, you will get angpau. This is very important for me haha especially this year. I've never been so broke before. I need moneeeyyy. Oh ya, this year we did something more. We visited an orphanage home and brought some necessities for them. I think we should help others as long as we can afford to. Okay, I feel like posting some pictures of my CNY this year.

Day 1 of CNY. Chor yat. As usual, we don't dress up. Oops, except my mum. I promise next year I will wear better clothes lol

Day 2 of CNY. Chor yee. Selca with my dearest sister and brothers.

Celebrating my aunt's birthday. It looks like my grandma's birthday here though.

Day 3 of CNY. Chor sam. Visited Thean Hou Temple. A must every year. I did a collage of our family portrait taken here from 2008 till now and posted on Instagram. We really look different. 

Three of us. Growing up together. 

Day 4 of CNY. Chor sei. In the fitting room with mum and sis.Went to Klang. Had lunch with relative. 

That's all for today. Stay tuned. <3

p.s. I'm drinking while writing this post. Drink of the day: Somersby apple cider. First time having this.